Tomorrow's my birthday. Right now I'm writing an essay. I have been writing this since 8 this morning. It is now 4:51 PM. Well, I haven't been writing consistently, but it's because I'm trying so hard. That doesn't make sense. I mean, it makes total sense to me, but probably not so much to you. Is it even possible to be trying hard yet not doing anything at all? This is how it's been going the whole time: (1) I write half a sentence. Then I (2) question what I'm doing, because it doesn't tie into the thesis which itself is very vague, and (3) start at the screen trying to make it fit. Then, once I've been staring long enough, I figure that if I don't stop, it'll bore smoking holes into my pupils despite my UV-ray-blocking glasses, so I then (4) get up and walk around in frustration. Walking makes me think of the lack of exercise I've been getting over the past two years. I do run once a week, but that's no good because I want to run every day. Then again, every time I run it feels like blasphemy to the pile of homework that is gasping for air in my backpack. Do I care about the homework? I can't tell. I can't tell what I'm doing at this point in my life. I can't tell if I'm taking an unhealthy amount of AP classes because I'm actually interested or because it's some sort of sick college admissions survival instinct (by the way, by "unhealthy amount" I only mean three, which is pretty much what everyone else is doing, but APUSH alone last year was already unhealthy enough). I also realized recently that I don't have a solid aim, either. Before I was all "I wanna be a super rich math major who has parties in Europe, so I better work hard now!", but is that really a genuine goal? No. Of course not. Why am I trying so hard to get into a certain college when I know that I'm capable of getting into a decent one regardless of how "above and beyond" I try? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, after pacing around until my eyes don't kill anymore, I then (5) sit back down, but all I think of is the fact that this essay and prompt were handed to me, and I am being forced to expand the hell out of a fill-in-the-blanks argument that I have no passion about. The prompt also cackles at my lack of knowledge about the subject, which weakens even further my ability to create a solid argument. I know, I know--if I read more current events I would know more about this stuff. But I do read current events. Just not enough to at least sound like I know everything. Maybe I don't read about a diverse enough range of topics? But then, with the reading of the news comes a whole new pressure from society aside from to understand things. The pressure is so powerful that somehow I've just subconsciously decided that my hatred of it has eclipsed my will to read more. So, I stick to the major headlines, which are mainly politics and foreign affairs, and then scurry back to Lifehacker and Stereogum before my mental health takes a nosedive.
Speaking of mental health, every day I wonder how I'm still sane. I had more to contribute to this post, but I think I have to get back to my essay now. I was going to insert a simile here, but all the examples I can think of are too obscene.
Maybe I won't finish the essay.
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